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Happy 2012

I could dream all day, I could dream all day.....

I had so many crazy dreams last night, but the one that stuck out most was this HUGE butterfly that was flying around my old neighborhood. It was seriously the size of a helicopter and it was just so beautifully bright and I couldn't take my eyes off of it. It was so vivid, I still can't stop thinking about it...so lo and behold I had to look it up in a dream dictionary online and this is what it said:

"Taking all of this into consideration it is easy to see that dreaming of a butterfly may mark the beginning of a transformation in your waking life. You may be ready to hatch from your cocoon and spread your wings, flying above the material cares of the world into a higher and more meaningful existence.

To see a butterfly flying around carefree in a dream may represent your own ability to fly free. If you have recently dreamed of butterflies it may represent that you are now free from an oppressing situation, problem, or relationship.

Butterflies are also a symbol of spirituality. Many times when a dreamer dreams of butterflies around them, or of observing them, it means that in their waking life they are on the verge of a deep spiritual journey, full of new awareness and possibilities. This truly is a wonderful thing.

In the book "Secrets of Dreams", written by Caro Ness, the meaning of a butterfly dream is close to my own personal analysis...

It mentions that butterflies can be seen as "symbols of transformation", or, as "accurate, and startling affirmations of rebirth into a newer, brighter, and more illuminating existence..."

As you can see, to dream of butterflies is a wonderful thing. If you have has a butterfly dream recently, feel blessed. Most likely it means that you're on the right path, headed towards a brighter tomorrow..." --Sincerity Anna, Yahoo! Contributor Network.

And that nails on exactly what is happening in my life right now........crazy!

When did I enter the Twilight Zone?

I hope things calm down a bit. The past couple days have been perfect, nothing too crazy happening, yet I still have a nagging feeling of doom and gloom. I can't quite pinpoint where it is coming from or why it is, all I can hope is that it's just a little leftover residue-anxiety from the strange last week. And I must say, not all of the week was weird, just a lot of it.

I had someone from my past come into my life, even though I only knew him from afar, back in the old-school days(literally.) He wasn't anything I expected him to be, it was kind of nuts. It is so weird how you have an idea in your head of what someone is like, but you really have no idea until you sit with them for two hours and hear their stories. Needless to say, I don't think he will be any part of my future. I probably shouldn't have gone on a date when I knew that I am taking off in less than a month from this state, but hey: at least I tried it out!

So the day before that, I had a band ask me to do their photo shoot for their upcoming album. It was quite hilarious to me because I am a TOTAL amateur photographer. I have had this fancy Canon camera for about 8 or 9 months now and am still having troubles remembering how I turn the flash on and off, yes.....it's that bad. Anyhow, I met this band member through my best friend of 15 years, so I knew he was legit, honest, nice and everything. I mean, he trusted me to do his photo shoot......that is a nice person! :) So I went into it feeling very, very nervous and uncomfortable, yet it turned out way better than I expected. Both the band members had cameras of their own that I was able to play around with and they helped me with some of what they were looking for and the settings on their camera. Lo and behold, the next day, they had a photo that I took of them up on their website. It felt really great and it was just one example of how I need to remember to put expectations aside and dive into the unknown!

Saturday night was fun, I went to a graduation party of my cousin's that I never see, even though she only lives one city away from me. My mom and I went together. It was nice to be with family, I want to try to spend as much time as I can with family and friends since I only have a few weeks left until my Oregon Trail. Everything was pretty good that Saturday night, yet the feeling of doom and gloom was REALLY strong. Less than an hour after I parted from my mom, I went to the liquor store by my house to get a a bottle of wine that a friend and I were going to ingest later that night. I couldn't get into the parking lot without an ambulance, fire truck and police car following behind me with their cherries on. In less than 1 minute they were wheeling out my friend Linda from the liquor store (she works there.) I went into the store a minute later freaking out asking her co-workers what happened. Turns out she had a seizure, luckily she came to and was able to talk, but had no idea who she was or where she was. Luckily I was able to get ahold of someone who had her daughter's number and we let her know which hospital she was at. According to her daughter, she is doing okay now and they aren't sure what caused the seizure. :/

So, here I am a few days later just trying to ingest it all. I know, it wasn't even that much craziness.....I know it could be much worse, but still: I am feeling seriously overwhelmed. I am just so grateful the last few days have been peaceful. I took my friend's daughter for a walk around the neighborhood the day before last and it was so nice, just me, Isis, and the random friendly neighbors of St. Louis Park that we came across. We saw a bunch of doggies and cats and squirrels on our way to the park and then there were the trains that Isis had to be sure to say "bye-bye" to. She swung at the park and giggled everytime I made funny faces at her when she came down on the swing. It was so simple, yet such a great time. Maybe some day I will have a kid of my own, but I know now is DEFINITELY not the time. I have some stuff I need to work on and I'm grateful to know that. Some people don't work on themselves and think a kid will heal them, but it's sad to say, that's not how it works.

Anyhow, thanks for reading this far if you have! That is really nice of you. Gina, Eric? You are my main demograph that reads this, haha.....hope you enjoyed my rant and love you and miss you guys!

--Ilona

Minnesota Love

Just a few random pics put together in a collage, MN memories....crazy to think, less than 2 months left in MN and I have been here for almost 22 years!

Oops! I did it again.....

Ingested too much booze and food. Dammit. I should have remembered that booze = hunger that is created by booze. Yowsers. I need to buy a new journal, I can't believe that I am using this as my journal right now. That is what laziness is, using the internet, for everyone to see instead of actually buying a journal (which has been on my to-do list for sometime now.....) Well here you go folks. Haha, who am I kidding, no one reads this shit except my sister (maybe?) So unfiltered journalism for anyone to read.

I way over did it tonight. Everything just seems as if it's in turmoil right now, by my choosing. I am trying to find the right path, but it's difficult and scary. How do perfect/normal people do it? Get through this thing called life? I absorb everything too deeply. I wish I could just get through change EASIER! Arghhhhhhhh. That is all for now, because my cat is looking at me like I'm crazy (which I am, for surely.) I am going to hopefully pass out and not dream because the last few nights I have only been dreaming nightmares. :( FUCK!

Grateful to be dry here......

In more ways than one, grateful that I can walk to the bathroom and don't need a diaper. But seriously here, I wrote this in my dream journal 3 days ago, word-for-word:

"Eric and I were driving back from somewhere and it was pouring rain, I parked the car and Eric rushed out of the car stating 'I'm going into the house before we get washed away!' He got out and I thought he was just joking, but then I got out and the water was to my neck. I got so scared and yelled for help, but somehow escaped it."

Lo and behold, the biggest thunderstorm we have had in a while came through the night last night and brought torrential rains that caused much damage to part of the metro. My dream came true, of sorts.

Check out this picture taken just 2 cities away from me: